People-Pleasing as a Survival Strategy

When Pleasing Becomes a Survival Strategy

People-pleasing is often praised as kindness, flexibility, or emotional intelligence. But when it becomes compulsive, driven by fear, guilt, or emotional exhaustion, it’s less about compassion and more about survival. Trauma-informed psychology identifies this as the fawn response, a defense mechanism developed in response to relational danger.

Coined by Pete Walker, the fawn response refers to appeasing or placating others to avoid conflict, abandonment, or emotional harm. For many, especially those raised in emotionally unpredictable homes, it becomes the only way to stay safe and connected.

Over time, the behavior that kept someone safe begins to cost them their autonomy, authenticity, and sense of self.

What People-Pleasing Looks Like in Practice

• Saying “yes” when you mean “no” to avoid disappointing others

• Feeling anxious or guilty after setting boundaries

• Adapting your opinions, emotions, or personality based on who you’re with

• Being praised for being “so nice” or “so accommodating” while feeling resentful or invisible

• Equating peace with the absence of conflict rather than the presence of mutual respect

These patterns often go unrecognized because they’re socially reinforced, but they’re rooted in deep emotional adaptations, not just temperament.

Origins: How Trauma and Attachment Wounds Create Fawning

There are several early maladaptive schemas commonly present in people-pleasing patterns:

• Subjugation Schema: A belief that expressing needs, preferences, or boundaries will result in rejection, punishment, or guilt.

• Abandonment Schema: An intense fear that others will leave unless they are perfectly pleased or appeased.

• Approval-Seeking Schema: A compulsion to gain validation and self-worth through external affirmation.

These often form in childhood environments where:

• Caregivers were emotionally volatile, unpredictable, or highly critical

• A child was forced into caregiving, mediation, or emotional attunement roles

• Emotional expression was met with withdrawal, anger, or minimization

• Parental love was experienced as conditional: “good” behavior earned closeness; “bad” behavior led to rejection

Long-Term Effects of Chronic People-Pleasing

What begins as a way to preserve connection often results in:

• Burnout: Chronic emotional overextension with no internal rest

• Resentment: Giving while secretly feeling unseen or used

• Self-alienation: Difficulty identifying one’s own wants, needs, or values

• Relational imbalance: Attracting or staying in relationships that reinforce compliance and emotional labor

This creates an internal paradox: craving closeness, but never feeling safe enough to show up fully.

Healing

Schema therapy targets the deep emotional beliefs that fuel people-pleasing and helps individuals build the capacity to choose authenticity over automatic appeasement.

Core Interventions Include:

• Identifying Schema Triggers: Noticing when the fear of disapproval or abandonment is driving behavior

• Imagery Rescripting: Revisiting painful early experiences and offering the unmet emotional needs (validation, protection, autonomy)

• Mode Work: Recognizing when the “compliant surrenderer” or “detached protector” is active, and inviting the Healthy Adult mode forward

• Boundary Work: Practicing tolerating guilt, internal resistance, and external pushback when asserting needs

• Therapeutic Reparenting: Using the therapist-client relationship to model attuned, consistent care and challenge internalized beliefs

Reclaiming Autonomy Without Guilt

Recovering from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming cold or selfish, it’s about becoming authentic to yourself and showing up for yourself. It means:

• Learning that safety doesn’t require shrinking

• Allowing conflict without equating it with danger

• Letting yourself be seen and chosen for who you are, not just what you give

At Studio Therapeia, we help clients understand the origins of their fawn response, work through underlying schemas, and develop an internal sense of worth and safety that doesn’t rely on constant compliance.

Book a session today and begin the process of relating without losing yourself. :)

References

• Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Azure Coyote Books.

• Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.

• Shorey, R. C., & Anderson, S. (2019). Early maladaptive schemas and coping behaviors among individuals with a history of childhood emotional maltreatment. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 28(2), 217–231.